Here We Are Again

Sitting in the bed... Thinking again... I hate it when this happens... All the thoughts I try so hard to hide come out at night... They pester me to solve their inherent problems... In the daytime, I can laugh my troubles away... Nap my troubles away, but at night... When the sky is darkest, my heart begins to trouble me... So here we are again...

There is a pain so deep in my heart and I cannot find the will to stop the pain... All I really need is decisive determination but I cannot figure out if I am missing the decisiveness or the determination. You see, I am in love with a man... I have been in love with this man for as long as I can remember loving. Others have come and others have gone but he's still here. Serving no apparent purpose but he is as sure as sunshine. I have given up trying to figure out if he loves me because if he did, we would not be here right now. We would be somewhere loving each other. I am simply a constant in his life. A reminder of the time when life was uncomplicated, when loving was easy as saying the word. Now our lives are filled with doing and being and there is a comfort we find in each other than we can not replicate anywhere. So yes, I love him. I have loved him and I will love him.

This love is unhealthy for so many reasons. He distracts me from anything and everything that I attempt to accomplish. He is my muse but I cannot let him go so I can be productive with the inspiration. He consumes my heart, my mind, and my spirit. He is as near to me as my latest thought, but as far from me as a long-distance phone call. My mind has frozen all the good times and laughter we have shared while ignoring the tears I have cried, the words I have yelled, and the promises I made to myself. And others for that matter...

Every time I am clear of him, I promise I am done with him. I make up in my mind to never allow myself to fall so deeply into him again. To not allow his words or his reminiscences to cloud my memory... and undermine my judgment... But then he comes to me... and envelops me... and gives me all the attention I need. He makes me laugh again and I forget that he has made me cry.

This is the type of love that lasts forever...

And that, my friend, is a very bad thing.

New year, new me

Well, it's January... I mailed off my application to Howard two weeks ago, and I mailed off my fellowship application a couple of hours ago... It is now time for faith to do its perfect work... It is now out of my hands and into my father's hands... I am trusting that what I have for myself aligns with what God has for me. I am trusting my will aligns with God's will...

Nervously, I am in preparation for the next phase of my life. Life without Robert, life without sunny Florida that I have always called my home. Tallahassee has been near and dear to my heart for the past nine years but it appears that my time here is winding down. I have loved every moment of this journey and embrace with open arms the part that is to come. I am so glad God has blessed me with the peace of mind to accept what He ordains...

I never thought I would be where I am now... I never thought about I would love how I have loved... But I am better for each and every experience I have had... I am stronger and wiser... I am closer to my dreams... And farther from my nightmares... Failure is the one thing that scares me the most... And with every God-ordained accomplishment, failure becomes a smaller possibility...

I love my life... I love who I am... I love who God is calling me to be...

I accept it... I embrace it... I relish the opportunity...

Descendant of a field slave to

DrDreezy

No Second Options

What do you do when you only want one thing? What do you do when there is no back-up plan? What do you do when there is no second option?

I am sitting in my living room watching Santa Clause 3, trying to ignore all the things I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be completing doctoral applications. I am supposed to be finishing my classwork for the end of the semester. I am supposed to be budgeting my bills so none of them are turned off in the coming weeks. All these things I am supposed to be doing but I find myself sitting in front of the computer watching Santa Clause 3... A movie I am not even the least bit interested in... but it's a diversion. A diversion from reality.

I have no back-up plan. What will I do if I don't get into a doctoral program? What will I do if no one wants me?

I have no idea...

So I am sitting here, lost in my thoughts... listening to the rain fall on my windowpane... and I am practicing the old art of avoidance.

Maybe if I don't finish the applications then I don't have to worry about being denied...

But then, where will I go? What will I do?

Because I don't have any second options...