No Second Options

What do you do when you only want one thing? What do you do when there is no back-up plan? What do you do when there is no second option?

I am sitting in my living room watching Santa Clause 3, trying to ignore all the things I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be completing doctoral applications. I am supposed to be finishing my classwork for the end of the semester. I am supposed to be budgeting my bills so none of them are turned off in the coming weeks. All these things I am supposed to be doing but I find myself sitting in front of the computer watching Santa Clause 3... A movie I am not even the least bit interested in... but it's a diversion. A diversion from reality.

I have no back-up plan. What will I do if I don't get into a doctoral program? What will I do if no one wants me?

I have no idea...

So I am sitting here, lost in my thoughts... listening to the rain fall on my windowpane... and I am practicing the old art of avoidance.

Maybe if I don't finish the applications then I don't have to worry about being denied...

But then, where will I go? What will I do?

Because I don't have any second options...

My Sister... My Sisters

"When I look at you, I see myself. If my eyes are unable to see you as my sister, it is because my own vision is blurred. And if that be so, then it is I who need you either because I do not understand who you are, my sister, or because I need you to help me understand who I am."

-Lillian P. Benbow

And if I cannot see you... And if I do not view you... And if I cannot fathom you... then it is you who needs to teach me, the academic, the scholar, the resident of the upper echelon... Black women have always been characterized as strong. The mule of the world goes well with the moniker of strength. We build, we create, we nurture. We are mother nature, and we are the God's greatest creation. Now, we have no problem with referring to ourselves as such, the problem comes in when we are forced to look at another woman, and ascertain her particular value.

We belittle, we talk-down, we condescend. We look in pity at the woman who has to live in the projects, we ignore the woman who cuts the grass on our pristine campus, we deny a role to the woman to serves in the university cafeteria. We only value the women who we believe can teach us something, or offer us something else. Women who we do not see to hold any value are discarded as useless and "beneath" us. But who are we to assign value?

The woman in the projects is the mother of our future. The woman mowing the lawn is a grandmother to your student. The woman taking your order is the sister of a future scholar. God has given each a measure of talent to be used for the upbuilding and enrichment of the kingdom. The welfare mother has been given a talent, just as the neurophysicist.

The essential building blocks for black womanhood rest in the phenomenalness of our womenhood. It is the rise of our breasts, and the curve of our spine. It rests in the power of our voice, and the softness of our cry. It rests in the sway of our hips, and the joy in our thighs. It rests in the curl of our hair, and the brown in our eye. It rests in me, and rests in you.

The change I seek, starts with me.

Having enough life for life

How do you decide what it is you want to do for the rest of your life? As a child, we create grandiose dreams for our futures. We want to be doctors, lawyers, and presidents. Then life steps in and we change our minds. We grow and we expand and become new people while holding onto the dreams of our childhood. We grow and realize that we can't add as well we though so being a scientist is out of the picture. We grow and realize that we don't like blood, so being a doctor is out of the picture. Someone finally lets us know that being a lawyer takes years of study and reading so we no longer want to pursue a career in law... And then we come to this point:

What is it that fills our heart with joy? What are you so passionate about that you would do it for free? What is your calling?

Then comes the choices. You are good at several different things because God has blessed you with many talents. You can read, write, plan, and add, so now what? Should you become a professor? A writer? A motivational speaker? Or do you branch out, think bigger, plan harder? Do you realize that setting your sights on the simple or the simply acceptable is disrespecting all that God has put into you?

Where do you place all your emphasis? If you want several degrees, are you supposed to go and get each of them? Or should you buckle down, stop being flightly and just do the first thing that you're good at?

As a child, we never know what we really want to do. We know what we see on television and that frames our aspirations. If you have seen doctors, lawyers, or even rappers on television, that is where our career ideals come from. The 80's generation saw the Cosby show, the 90's generation saw Living Single, the 2000's see Being Bobby Brown. So children grow up having no role models, and no real dreams... Only dreams predicated on superhuman abilities... Football or basketball players, or rappers.... Where have the dreams gone? And what will we do? How do you choose?

Emancipation Day

Celebrating Emancipation day 2009, I am sitting in my living room on the computer and my mind is going through many motions and consequently, many emotions... When the news of emancipation finally reached Florida, many of the slaves farther north had all ready been informed of their freedom. However, being free did not mean anything to many people because there was nowhere to go after release from the plantation. There were no acres, no mules, no jobs, and no homes, so where were these former slaves supposed to go and what were they supposed to do when they got there? Just as they were freed from one form of slavery and immediated shuttled to another is the fate of many blacks in modern America.

Slavery has now become a voluntary institution. Many people are slaves to their jobs, their lifestyles and even to their secrets. People go to work everyday believing that they are free but they are only free to do what the master wants. How many Americans are one paycheck away from poverty? How many Americans are two paychecks away from eviction? How many Americans are three paychecks away from financial ruin? This is the slavery that we have voluntarily become a part of. We no longer work for passion or fulfillment, we work to hold the creditors at bay. We work to pay back student loans. We graduate from college and now have professional license to be enslaved.

Even more than that, we have chains on our minds. We don't know what we think until someone else has thought it for us. We are scared to speak up and afraid to speak out. So we become the willing cosigners to men like Al Sharpton who is supposed to speak for all of us, but usually speaks for none of this. I, for one, do not agree with many of the positions he stands on but if I am not willing to become a part of struggle, then my opinion is invalidated. So now we are slaves to our leader who drags us along like chattel during his idealogical rants. If you stand for nothing, you are a victim of anything and many of us are victims of the quiet syndrome. Silence infers agreement. We silently agree with someone we do not even identify with.

Some say education is the key, others say money is the key, but I believe that changed minds are the key. If we never realize what we can be, we will never know who we can be. We must be proactive about education but concurrently aware of why we are getting aforesaid education. Are you only in college because your parents sent you? Is the justification for your major than it will make you a lot of money? Do you stroll around campus worrying about being seen and being in organizations? One day you will be released into society and will have no idea what to do. And then you become, a slave...

Free your mind and the rest will follow...

Judge not, lest ye

Now the Bible says that we are to judge not, lest we be judged... But how practical is that? We judge people everyday, negatively and positively... Even telling someone they look nice is judgmental... We have deluded ourselves into believing that being critical of another person is just to help or make them a better person. Usually we crush people with our unattainable standards and unfathomable expectations. We expect others to never make mistakes, never have a bad day and especially to never have a bad attitude but we have all the same. I can't understand why a people that has historically been judged and ostracized would have the audacity to do the same to other people and most importantly, to ourselves. Black people have got to be the most judgmental, critical, and negative races of them all, and yes that statement is judgmental. We feel like it is our duty, "to get people together." However, we typically have none of our stuff together.

Many people believe that if we were to achieve unity or even cohesive purpose, the race would be in much better shape. We are too busy pulling down the other crabs in the bucket to help each other get out of it. We would rather tell someone six reasons why someone cannot happen than to give them one reason why it could. Judgment is a scapegoat that allows others to feel good about themselves. I am only built up by putting you down... This mindset has keep Americans from African descent in a perpetual spiral to obscurity. No one listens when we try to take a stand because we usually end up arguing with each other. Everyone wants to lead and no one has the courage to follow. If someone else has input or insight, they are ignored and criticized. We must be able to encourage with the same fervor as we discourage. We could be so much better for it...

Mental slavery... A concept created for a people that chooses to be shackled mentally while being free physically. Since 1865, black people have been enslaving themselves. Whether this be due to skin color, home neighborhood, hair length/texture/color, even college major, we constantly judge and categorize. When will it all end? When will be secure enough personally that we do not have to decimate another to be proud of ourselves?

The problem of the 21st century is the problem of the black mind... If you can control the mind, then you can control the person...

Church... Faith... Tradition...

So I have been out of church for about three weeks and Sunday I decided to attend three services. The experience was a bit eye-opening and insightful. I was able to partake in the traditions of three separate but equal entities. One church was Freewill Baptist, one nondenominational and the last church was African Methodist Episcopal... So each of the services were similar in that the order of service followed a particular pattern and each service took up offering early. One church actually had two offerings. Now, I had no idea what a mission offering was so I neglected to write a fourth check. The first and last church had pretty long programs although the service proceeded swiftly. There was scripture reading, doxology, responsive reading, church covenant and other program points I could have done without.

I have fallen out of love with church and I don't know how to find my passion again. I don't even feel the way I used to feel because church was once a place of peace and refuge and it became a place of judgment. I don't want to sound negative but the black church has lost its way. We focus too much on appearances and not enough on making sure that souls are saved and lives are changed. Salvation is the only point of church but you would never know it... We don't even come together to learn... Most people don't even look at their Bibles except on Sundays... So how do we expect to reason together? I just can't deal anymore. I just need to chill...

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday love

Sitting here at the computer instead of somewhere between an REM cycle, I am engrossed in thought. Aside from working and schooling, this is what I do the most. I think too much, laugh too much, talk too much. John says, "Extra is always better" but I am still not quite sure if I agree or not. Sometimes just enough is enough and even not enough is acceptable but too much usually does more harm than good. Have you ever had someone to call you too much? Love you too much? Need you too much? Exactly my point. Heck, Jesus loved the world so much that He died. Now if that does not lend credence to my point, then I don't know what will. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Too much soda, too much pizza, or too much candy. Stick with just enough or a little less than enough. Show too much skin and you are labeled a whore, show just enough and you are labeled, "sexy." And sexy beats slorish woman anyday. What is a slore, you ask? A slore is a cross between a slut and a whore and who wants to be one of those? You know, when I started typing I had no idea where this would go but it seems to be a good place to park for a minute. Now I know sometimes my mind is faster than my hands so if I lost you we are talking about too much of a good thing. Life is all about balance. You have to find the happy medium. The median between abject starvation and seven-sin gluttony. You know, there's a fine line between large-sized and Whattasized. This medium is all about knowing yourself and I guess that is the hardest part. It is so easy to know other people and read other people, "like a book" but knowing thyself can prove to be pretty challenging. We spend so much time with ourselves that it is easy to overlook who we are. It is akin to gaining or losing weight. Until someone else comments on how svelte or samoan we look, we don't even realize we are teetering dangerously close to anorexic/overeaters anonymous. So with this and that said, I am going to bed to think about how to tread the line. Holding fast somewhere between giving too much or keeping something for myself.