Here We Are Again

Sitting in the bed... Thinking again... I hate it when this happens... All the thoughts I try so hard to hide come out at night... They pester me to solve their inherent problems... In the daytime, I can laugh my troubles away... Nap my troubles away, but at night... When the sky is darkest, my heart begins to trouble me... So here we are again...

There is a pain so deep in my heart and I cannot find the will to stop the pain... All I really need is decisive determination but I cannot figure out if I am missing the decisiveness or the determination. You see, I am in love with a man... I have been in love with this man for as long as I can remember loving. Others have come and others have gone but he's still here. Serving no apparent purpose but he is as sure as sunshine. I have given up trying to figure out if he loves me because if he did, we would not be here right now. We would be somewhere loving each other. I am simply a constant in his life. A reminder of the time when life was uncomplicated, when loving was easy as saying the word. Now our lives are filled with doing and being and there is a comfort we find in each other than we can not replicate anywhere. So yes, I love him. I have loved him and I will love him.

This love is unhealthy for so many reasons. He distracts me from anything and everything that I attempt to accomplish. He is my muse but I cannot let him go so I can be productive with the inspiration. He consumes my heart, my mind, and my spirit. He is as near to me as my latest thought, but as far from me as a long-distance phone call. My mind has frozen all the good times and laughter we have shared while ignoring the tears I have cried, the words I have yelled, and the promises I made to myself. And others for that matter...

Every time I am clear of him, I promise I am done with him. I make up in my mind to never allow myself to fall so deeply into him again. To not allow his words or his reminiscences to cloud my memory... and undermine my judgment... But then he comes to me... and envelops me... and gives me all the attention I need. He makes me laugh again and I forget that he has made me cry.

This is the type of love that lasts forever...

And that, my friend, is a very bad thing.